Headless Medic In Topless Bar

 — Two Trauma Helicopters On Stand-by.

DAVILLE, USA  — A small town is shocked and saddened this morning by news a local hero was found decapitated inside a men’s entertainment facility.

Sources close to the scene say they’ve never seen anything like this before.

A patron of the Pole Barn Inn Strip Club discovered a flight helmet with a flight medic’s head inside. Authorities say the gentleman who found the helmet was moving it off a chair to sit down, when he realized the helmet wasn’t empty.

“It’s not unusual for local flight crews to save front row seats by leaving their helmets as seat holders,” said Keven Nedwiki, owner of the Pole Barn Inn Strip Club.

“But it’s scary unusual and downright shocking for one of the helmets to contain a human head unattached to a body,” said Nedwiki.

EMS was called immediately following the discovery, and two trauma helicopters were placed on stand-by.

Dispatcher Janny Shu, who received the initial 911 call for help, said “All calls are important and we go to great lengths to give each and every call the attention it deserves. But when you hear one of your own is in trouble, it definitely gets your heart pumping faster. As soon as the EMT on-scene called in, I put two helicopters on stand-by. With all the advances in medical technology, I thought maybe we could re-attach the original head, or maybe attach a better one.”

Local law enforcement said it was relatively easy to identify the deceased and pair the helmet and head with a body.

“We pretty much followed the trail of peanut shells and one-dollar bills from the head and helmet, to a body we found underneath the main stage. The body was headless and clothed in a flight suit, which was pretty telling in and of itself.”

“And then once we matched the name tag on the flight suit to the name tag on the back of the helmet, we quickly moved beyond reasonable doubt. Unless this medic’s name turns out to be ‘fun meter,’ we think we’ve established positive identification” said Sheriff G.E. Neuss.

Confusion regarding the release of the deceased medic’s name is under investigation. Initially, a name was released, but then immediately retracted. Proper notification of the deceased medic’s family is the concern.

Sherry Spitts, Life Flight program manager said,

“I’m personally listening to all audio tapes surrounding this tragic incident. And if I find out one of my people took initiative or engaged in free thinking without my full prior knowledge and permission, mark my words — Heads Will Roll!” (Presumably, no pun intended).

This is a developing story with more details to follow April 1st of every year.

Anyone with additional information about this case is encouraged to leave a comment in the blog comments section below this article.

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